Thursday, December 19, 2013

all good things must come to an end

this blog started out as a place to journal about my surrogacy journeys. although i only had the honor of completing one full journey, i no longer have any contact with them due to their wishes. this was, and still is, a very sad thing for me to comprehend since i never wanted to be more than just in the background of this sweet little girl's life. although i doubt i will ever see a photo or receive an update on baby sesame, i think of her often and imagine her as a happy toddler.

my second journey ended in a miscarriage of identical twin girls at 7 1/2 weeks who watch their parents from above.

the final journey never took off as my lining didn't respond well to the medications i was given.

and now i mourn the loss of my own sweet baby. the past week has been a roller coaster of emotions and to even get dressed sometimes is a huge task for me to undertake. my true friends (and you know who you are) have really been there for me letting me cry and vent and giving me unconditional love.

and so since my surro life has come to end, so must my blog. i still enjoy reading your blogs and hope that mine can bring you some wisdom in your journey. it has truly been a journey.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

love and loss

***this a is no holds bar, raw, and emotional post***

after my ip's and i decided to part ways in august i was devastated. i really felt the calling to do another surrogacy, but my body just wasn't responding as it has in the past. the r.e. didn't want to try anything different and basically just cut me loose. i ended up in the er about 2 weeks later with a horrible migraine that required narcotics. they, and i, thought it may have been caused by stopping all of the meds. so abruptly. my period came a few weeks later and i was feeling better. my period didn't come the next month. i didn't really think anything of it thinking my body was still in transition. nope.

to say i was shocked was an understatement! i told k. and he was shocked as well. we thought we had been careful, but i had miscalculated my dates. we were having a baby.

i was hesitatant to tell anyone including my parents. i didn't want them to be disappointed in my choice. to say that life has been stressful for me recently is like saying niagra falls is a small stream. this baby was like the cherry on the cake of "how will i juggle all of this?" k. and i had been having some major issues in our relationship and now being pregnant was adding fuel to the fire.

a few more weeks passed and a few scares and then a huge scare. one sunday morning i started bleeding so heavily i thought i was having a miscarriage. my mom took me to the er where we saw a happy baby with a heartbeat who was measuring ahead of schedule, but we also saw a large sac of blood very close to the placenta. it's what they call a subchorionic hematoma and not much is known about their cause. the er doctor reassured me that my chances of having a miscarriage drops significantly when a heartbeat is seen, but it does not disappear. i took it easy the next few days waiting for my next ob app't. which would be at 10w2d.

my 10w1d belly pic.

k. and i headed to our app't. anxious to see our baby and hear it's heartbeat for the first time. unfortunately we received devastating news. our sweet baby had no heartbeat. i heard nothing the np said after that. all i could hear was my body betrayed me and the life it was supposed to be nourishing. my baby was dead. there were choices i had to make, but i knew a d&c was the route that i needed to take. my surgery was scheduled for that friday. 12.13.13 is my sweet baby's birthday.

the surgery went well, as expected. the nurses were kind with my body and my heart. i couldn't help but feel empty afterwards. i still do.

i suppose time heals all wounds. i suppose it will feel less raw and more normal. my due date will come and go with no baby to kiss and snuggle. life will move forward.