Thursday, December 19, 2013

all good things must come to an end

this blog started out as a place to journal about my surrogacy journeys. although i only had the honor of completing one full journey, i no longer have any contact with them due to their wishes. this was, and still is, a very sad thing for me to comprehend since i never wanted to be more than just in the background of this sweet little girl's life. although i doubt i will ever see a photo or receive an update on baby sesame, i think of her often and imagine her as a happy toddler.

my second journey ended in a miscarriage of identical twin girls at 7 1/2 weeks who watch their parents from above.

the final journey never took off as my lining didn't respond well to the medications i was given.

and now i mourn the loss of my own sweet baby. the past week has been a roller coaster of emotions and to even get dressed sometimes is a huge task for me to undertake. my true friends (and you know who you are) have really been there for me letting me cry and vent and giving me unconditional love.

and so since my surro life has come to end, so must my blog. i still enjoy reading your blogs and hope that mine can bring you some wisdom in your journey. it has truly been a journey.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

love and loss

***this a is no holds bar, raw, and emotional post***

after my ip's and i decided to part ways in august i was devastated. i really felt the calling to do another surrogacy, but my body just wasn't responding as it has in the past. the r.e. didn't want to try anything different and basically just cut me loose. i ended up in the er about 2 weeks later with a horrible migraine that required narcotics. they, and i, thought it may have been caused by stopping all of the meds. so abruptly. my period came a few weeks later and i was feeling better. my period didn't come the next month. i didn't really think anything of it thinking my body was still in transition. nope.


to say i was shocked was an understatement! i told k. and he was shocked as well. we thought we had been careful, but i had miscalculated my dates. we were having a baby.

i was hesitatant to tell anyone including my parents. i didn't want them to be disappointed in my choice. to say that life has been stressful for me recently is like saying niagra falls is a small stream. this baby was like the cherry on the cake of "how will i juggle all of this?" k. and i had been having some major issues in our relationship and now being pregnant was adding fuel to the fire.

a few more weeks passed and a few scares and then a huge scare. one sunday morning i started bleeding so heavily i thought i was having a miscarriage. my mom took me to the er where we saw a happy baby with a heartbeat who was measuring ahead of schedule, but we also saw a large sac of blood very close to the placenta. it's what they call a subchorionic hematoma and not much is known about their cause. the er doctor reassured me that my chances of having a miscarriage drops significantly when a heartbeat is seen, but it does not disappear. i took it easy the next few days waiting for my next ob app't. which would be at 10w2d.

my 10w1d belly pic.

k. and i headed to our app't. anxious to see our baby and hear it's heartbeat for the first time. unfortunately we received devastating news. our sweet baby had no heartbeat. i heard nothing the np said after that. all i could hear was my body betrayed me and the life it was supposed to be nourishing. my baby was dead. there were choices i had to make, but i knew a d&c was the route that i needed to take. my surgery was scheduled for that friday. 12.13.13 is my sweet baby's birthday.

the surgery went well, as expected. the nurses were kind with my body and my heart. i couldn't help but feel empty afterwards. i still do.

i suppose time heals all wounds. i suppose it will feel less raw and more normal. my due date will come and go with no baby to kiss and snuggle. life will move forward.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

living life in limbo

my app't. last week didnt go well. my uterine lining only measured at 7mm and the coveted triple stripe was no where to be seen. i had increased my dose of l-arginine and added pom juice as well. so much for the thickening effects and stress reduction of fertility yoga.

so after sitting on pins and needles all day long, the clinic called and said the re wasn't opposed to doing a transfer. finally a sliver of hope! i spoke with my im and let her know and she was waiting until the next morning to speak to the clinic herself.

i don't know exactly what was said, but the re gave a 30% chance of the transfer being successful with a 7mm lining (oddly enough he quoted an 80% success rate if the lining reached 8mm). i put myself in my ip's shoes and i knew what they would do. time is of the essence for them. money is dwindling.

they backed out.

i was left heartbroken and wondering why the meds. hadn't worked.

and now i am downright pissed off.

my head has literally been throbbing for 3 solid days! i've taken migraine pills, pain pills, motrin, extra water, chiropractic adjustment and nothing has helped. my best guess is that the estrogen level is dropping dramatically and leaving me to feel like i got hit by a train and aunt flo has been on the verge of visiting every day for the past week! i feel like the clinic just dropped me like yeserday's trash when they should have weaned me off the estrogen! yesterday when a coworked asked me how everything was going and i nearly burst out into tears (and i would have had i not been at work).

i don't blame my ip's decision to move forward without me. i understand completely. it just leaves me in a state of limbo. what do i do next? there are things going on at home that leave me in limbo as well. limbo is not a comfortable place to live, but neither is headacheville.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

my monitoring appt. this week showed no growth in the lining of my uterus. still at 5-6mm just like last week. this is so frustrating for me! this cycle isn't cancelled though which is my silver lining! i have added the estrogen tabs vaginally twice a day as the clinic says this hopefully gives me the boost i need. we shall see next mon!

Monday, September 9, 2013

happy update

had my first monitoring appt. after aunt flo made her visit and things look great! this cycle i have only been on oral estrogen pills that increase every 3 days. honestly i didn't think this protocol would work and i was hoping for my lining to at least be 3mm. well i was pleasantly surprised when it measured at 6mm with a triple stripe! my next appt. is in a week and if all looks fluffy our transfer is set for the week after! thanks for all the fluffy thoughts and keep 'em coming!

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Sunday, August 25, 2013

salute to surrogacy

last night the wonderful organization, surrogacy together threw a lovely event for surrogates, intended parents, medical professionals, lawyers, and anyone connected to the surrogacy community. they are helping people become parents and giving surrogacy a good name. it was so nice to meet surrogates from near and far and each get to share our journeys with each other. my im attended with me. the event was held at the marriott downtown and had a beautiful san diego bay backdrop.


we had such a nice time and i met some really wonderful people!

back in june, surrogacy together had an open photoshoot and baby boo was a featured photo!


maybe my girl is a future surromomma too!

on my surro front, i finished my pills and aunt flo should be arriving any day now. i don't feel "period-y" yet, but hopefully that will change soon. after that i go back to the clinic for labs and a meeting with mr. weenie wand and the transfer should be in about 3 weeks. can't wait to get this transfer done and cook another faux baby!

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

had my monitoring appt. today and my lining needed to be at 8mm. since i was at 5mm last week i figured it was no problem getting to 8. i am also on a high estrogen protocol so i was so disappointed when my lining was only 6mm. the np measured a few times and she confirmed the worst. a few hours later she called and the doctor wants me to quit my meds. and have a period. i will start a new medicine tonite for 10 days (and dang if i can remember the name). hopefully this glitch is due to the fact that i've only had 1 period since removing my iud.

so my transfer set for next week is cancelled. i am so discouraged, but my ip's are understanding and she gave me some natural remedies to help thicken my lining for the next cycle.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

lupron shots, delestrogen shots, and mr. weenie wand

it's been a few weeks since i received my bag of surro goodies.


it was kind of a rush to get them to me. my very sweet im (intended mother) drove from north county to la jolla to east county to bring me the meds. so i could start that day! the first one we get is the lupron (which suppresses ovulation) and is a tiny needle that i give myself. i made my boy take my picture of the first injection and he just laughed cause i made my belly look like a va-jay-jay i was so nervous!


the big bad needles started as well. right now i am on the delestrogen every 3 days, so tonight is a shot night. my boy sings the song, "shots, shots! shots, shots!" while he does it and it makes me giggle and forget that there's a huge needle in my ass!

my second monitoring appt. is tomorrow am and i am hoping my uterus is beginning to fluff up. please send fluffy thoughts my way!

my boy and i were able to spend the day with my ip's last saturday at the padre/yankee game. we tailgated and had a great time getting to know each other a little better. i am really excited about the 'salute to surrogacy' dinner coming up down here in san diego at the end of the month. a bunch of surro's i know from blogland and instagram will be there and it will be so nice to meet them in real life!

our transfer is set for august 22. it just so happens that is my mom's birthday, so it is destined to be a lucky day!

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

well people we are moving right along! the contract was sent back to my ip's with my revisions which they ok'ed. now i need my final draft and me and the mr. will head up to temecula to get it notarized.

why temecula (and riverside county) you ask? well that is a GREAT question!!!

after the whole baby selling ring was busted down here at conceptual options (someone always has to ruin it don't they?) it is now extremely hard to get a pbo.

*a pbo is a pre birth order. the ip's lawyer goes to court for them and tells the judge that a gestational surrogate is about to birth their baby and they want to be recognized as the legal guardians by the hospital and listed on the birth certificate. otherwise i'd be listed cause baby came flying outta me!*

san diego lawyers are now recommending that both parties get stuff done outside of s.d. county. it is kinda a pain to drive up there for a 10 minute procedure, but maybe a trip to a winery is in order too!

sooooo, now that the contracts are allllllmost signed, my calendar will be coming right after. we are looking to do a transfer as soon as possible, so we are talking end of august people! i have been on the pill for over a month now and it is officially starting to make me crazy! i need off this sh!t!!! start sending your sticky bthoughts and let's hear your ideas how to make this transfer work the first time! ready? go ...

Friday, June 21, 2013

happy birthing day to me!

and happy birthday to baby sesame who is 2 today!!! it's hard to believe 2 years have come and gone since miss reagan graced us with her presence.

today was my first appt. at the fertility center. i had bloodwork done, my iud removed, and a sonohystogram. the nurse asked me what my plans were in the next 6-8 weeks and since i have nothing big going on, we're shooting for a transfer somewhere in that time frame! so exciting! this clinic doesn't require any bed rest after a transfer, which is way nice! they tell ya to take it easy and do your thing! so now we just need our contracts hammered out and then the fun stuff can begin. and by fun stuff i mean shots. and by fun i mean terrible.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

bcp and iud

my first screening appt. is tomorrow! i am having my iud removed and am kinda nervous! o_O

anyone have any words of wisdom for me about that?

i started on bcp (birth control pills) yesterday and have my fingers crossed they don't make me looney! i do have a headache today, but it's been a long week and i need some caffeine! anywho, off to the r.e. maƱana and hopefully banging out our contracts pretty soon!

Sunday, June 16, 2013

my very exciting update!

shall i cut right to the good stuff or strong you along a little?

sssss ..... ttttt ..... rrrrr ..... iiiii ..... nnnnn ..... ggggg .....

so i've been a little bummed about my new agency not being able to find an md for me to work with. i contacted my old agency and started the ball rolling with them again. they said they had a couple in mind for me and i had minimal paperwork to do. hallelujah! well as i was perusing the all things surrogacy facebook page i saw an interesting post from an im. we started talking and met up for dinner last week and ... this is the EXCITING part ... we matched!!! i am so very excited to have a local couple and we are in the beginning stages of everything, but they have frozen embies so hopefully we can get things going very soon! :)

my darling daughter and i had a fun photo shoot yesterday with surrogacy together! they are making their rounds around the country to shoot and interview surrogates and intended parents. check out their facebook page for more info!

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

and the hits keep coming

received some more disappointing news from my agency last week. the second doctor who wouldn't discriminate cause of my weight won't take me because he can't get a hold of the miscarriage paperwork from the ivf clinic i was with last march. they told my agency that the records belong to the ip's and they would need to sign a release form blah, blah, blah. i don't understand why a good word from the r.e. isn't good enough! i am beginning to think this may not be in the cards for me again! i wish it were easy to agency hop instead of having to fill out a forest worth of paperwork!

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

disappointed

in my new search for my last surro journey (yes there is a final chapter in the works) i've hit a speed bump.

first things first. i signed up with a new agency and i really like them. smaller agency. very personal feel. they showed me a profile of some potential ip's who seem like a good match for me. after many phone calls kaiser finally got their stuff together and sent the correct files. well the r.e. doesn't approve of my low bmi. say what? i am underweight and always have been. isn't that better than being overweight? never mind the fact that i've been pregnant 3 times. never mind that 2 of those pregnancies delivered healthy babies.

so my agency is contacting other clinics to see if they will take me. i won't be filling out any more mountains of paperwork or requesting my records from kaiser again, so this is my last chance at doing this again.

as i am reminded daily by my wonderful partner, breath in. breath out.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

happy april blog friends! time flies and i find myself still waiting around for something to happen. this would have been the month that my former ip's wanted to transfer in had i been willing to wait. i thought my own family planning was going to be a bit quicker so i backed out. and here i am wanting to be matched again. anywho, my one out of state agency contacted me yesterday and is waiting for some records and wants me to have another pap smear before matching me. well my pap isn't due until july and that seems so far away! i sent all my paperwork to my local agency and they had a couple of people in mind for me, so hopefully i can be matched sooner rather than later. i really dislike the "hurry up and wait" in all of this. that's about all folks. lots of waiting and school and working. at least e weather is beautiful!

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

such a tease!

so i know i seem like such a tease in regards to my last post.

weeeeeeellllllll ...

my profile is up and running with a new agency! yippee!!! somedays i sit here and think to myself, "am i crazy? do i really want to punish my body for the 4th time with hundreds of shots, endless blood draws, that weenie wand always up in my business?" and the answer is yes. my sweet surrogirlie is going to be 2 in june. 2! where on earth has the time gone? i haven't seen her since the day she was born, but i think of her often and what i wouldn't give to see a picture of her smiling face! it's been almost (next week) a year since i lost the twins. that was a difficult time. so before i jump feet first into "i do" and cloth diapering, i want to make someone else's family dreams come true! i guess i'm like the fairy godmother - bibbidi bobbidi boo!!!