Saturday, March 24, 2012

journey #2

journey #2 started out very easily. i signed up with 2 agencies and the one that processed my paperwork the quickest won my uterus! i met with a family (or rather a family friend) and didn't jive with them. another family was interested and after a chat on the phone and some negotiations, we had tentative dates! my uterus came in 2nd after the egg donor did her thing first.

february 15th came around and there i was back on the table with the same doctor that made me a surromomma the first time. 2 beautiful little girls were places into my care and 2 weeks later (and after cheating by poas) i was prego! and i was really prego with possible multiples. i was terrified. i had to wait 2 lllooonnnggg weeks to wait for my u/s to see how many ladies were in there.

all the while i was e-mailing my im and she had been so sweet. they had used 2 surro's in the past with 3 miscarriages and i really wanted to be their miracle surro.

i started bleeding a week after the transfer. a quick u/s showed a subchorionic hematoma. they are quite common in ivf and no one really knows why. we only saw 1 sac and i blew a huge sign of relief. a week after that my official u/s showed identical twins!!! i was so scared that i sat on the table and cried with my mom sitting next to me. during that week i slowly got used to the idea that there were 2 in there and that there was a small chance that something may happen.

7w4d u/s showed no heartbeats on my baby cherries. i was devastated. after much consoling from the doctor and much reassurance that i did nothing to cause this, i was scheduled for a d&c. the surgery itself wasn't horrible and recovery has been pretty mild. some bleeding and lots of cramping. i am just devastated for my ip's and feel like a failure. the fetal tissue was sent for genetic testing, but since it was also done on the embryo's we don't expect to hear anything abnormal. my only consolation is that in a few identical twin cases blood flow and blood vessels get crossed and aren't compatible with life.

He gives and He takes away.

so where do i stand now? i haven't decided that yet and by no means do i have to in the next 5 minutes. i definitely don't want to have to repeat this process again, so i have a lot to think about in the next few weeks. in the mean time, i am enjoying following my fellow surromomma's journeys and that's good enough for me right now!

thank you all for your kind words, prayers, and encouragement during this hard time. xo


Andrea said...

I am so, so sorry girl.

Surrogate, Single Parent and Dating... said...

So sorry girl! I was looking forward to following your next journey. Hang in there, head up - you did nothing wrong!

Robin Baker said...

So sorry for your loss and the family's loss. <3