Saturday, March 24, 2012

journey #2

journey #2 started out very easily. i signed up with 2 agencies and the one that processed my paperwork the quickest won my uterus! i met with a family (or rather a family friend) and didn't jive with them. another family was interested and after a chat on the phone and some negotiations, we had tentative dates! my uterus came in 2nd after the egg donor did her thing first.

february 15th came around and there i was back on the table with the same doctor that made me a surromomma the first time. 2 beautiful little girls were places into my care and 2 weeks later (and after cheating by poas) i was prego! and i was really prego with possible multiples. i was terrified. i had to wait 2 lllooonnnggg weeks to wait for my u/s to see how many ladies were in there.

all the while i was e-mailing my im and she had been so sweet. they had used 2 surro's in the past with 3 miscarriages and i really wanted to be their miracle surro.

i started bleeding a week after the transfer. a quick u/s showed a subchorionic hematoma. they are quite common in ivf and no one really knows why. we only saw 1 sac and i blew a huge sign of relief. a week after that my official u/s showed identical twins!!! i was so scared that i sat on the table and cried with my mom sitting next to me. during that week i slowly got used to the idea that there were 2 in there and that there was a small chance that something may happen.

7w4d u/s showed no heartbeats on my baby cherries. i was devastated. after much consoling from the doctor and much reassurance that i did nothing to cause this, i was scheduled for a d&c. the surgery itself wasn't horrible and recovery has been pretty mild. some bleeding and lots of cramping. i am just devastated for my ip's and feel like a failure. the fetal tissue was sent for genetic testing, but since it was also done on the embryo's we don't expect to hear anything abnormal. my only consolation is that in a few identical twin cases blood flow and blood vessels get crossed and aren't compatible with life.

He gives and He takes away.

so where do i stand now? i haven't decided that yet and by no means do i have to in the next 5 minutes. i definitely don't want to have to repeat this process again, so i have a lot to think about in the next few weeks. in the mean time, i am enjoying following my fellow surromomma's journeys and that's good enough for me right now!

thank you all for your kind words, prayers, and encouragement during this hard time. xo

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

it is with a heavy heart and great sadness that i have to post this. the twins had no heartbeats today.

so let me back up a little. last week at my official u/s i found out the baby was actually identical twins! i was beyond shocked, but it did account for why my beta was so high. i had been having terrible morning sickness at night (and even for the past week)and my next u/s was scheduled for today. the little ladies appeared the same size as last week and neither had a heartbeat today. to verbalize how i feel is near impossible. honestly i feel like a failure. the clinic told me over and over that i did nothing wrong, but naturally i don't feel that way. the cherries were being nourished by me and growing inside of my belly.

i have a d & c scheduled for friday and i have no idea what my future holds. please be in prayer for a quick procedure and healing for my ip's and myself.

Monday, March 19, 2012

so i know you've all been patiently waiting for


well you have to wait till wednesday.

i have another big announcement for today! my agency so graciously sent me an iPad!

i was so shocked when i got the e-mail this morning and it even came a day early! so now i wanna hear about the apps i can't live without!!!

Thursday, March 1, 2012

beta #2

my second beta was 2764!!!

so far we have a happy baby growing in there! ultrasound will be in 2 weeks to see *gulp* how many and a little fluttery heartbeat.

i have to say that sharing this journey with my previous ip's being so close and involved was nothing short of magical. to see their faces light up every time we saw baby sesame or heard her heartbeat made the whole journey even more rewarding. i feel bad that my ip's live so far away and are unable to enjoy this part of their journey, but i have a fantabulous support system willing to be at every doctor's app't. and check-up with me.

next time i'll have pictures of baby cherry (as we like to call it around here)! and i already know the sex of the baby as the parents wanted a specific gender, but i think i'll let y'all wait a while before i spill those beans! C: