Monday, November 19, 2012

driving on a random friday ...

as i was on my way to work last week i had just exited the freeway and i hit a huge wall of emotions! i just started bawling! i called my mom and she asked me what was wrong. i've been hit recently on one of my surro groups with everyone's surrobabe's photos. i haven't seen mine since the day she was born. i knew i still harbored some resentment and anger towards my ip's for what they did and the way they went about doing it. don't they know they wouldn't have a baby if it weren't for me??? there, i said it. i put it out there. i never really released any emotion after that awful e-mail. i did cry while reading it to my mom, but i was also only 1 week postpartum. i had so much going on then. i never grieved her loss. and so while driving on a random friday in november, i totally lost it. i am so happy that my friends get to see their surrokids and i do know gals who don't need to see theirs. i never had any closure. all i need is closure. the whole situation has been a tough pill for me to swallow. i hope with that release of emotion i can start to move on.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

an executive decision has been made

so after that last post i really had to sit and think, and talk it over with a few people, and pray about what my next steps were going to be. my life breaks down something like this ... i'm gonna be 33 on sat and i really, Really, REALLY wanna get married and pop out some kiddo's with my boy. our future lives are basically on hold with this whole surrogacy thingy. don't get me wrong, he's 100% supportive, but there is always a chance that being a surrogate can take my fertility. how guilty would i feel if i pushed to do this and i ended up needing a surrogate? and how the hell would i pay for one? so many racing thoughts. truth be told, i feel like i haven't come full circle as a surrogate because of being kicked out of my first ip's life and the miscarriage with the twins. but at the end of the day when i sit down and reason it all out, my boy completes my circle and my life has to go on. so it is with a bit of a sad heart and a great big smile on my face, my daughter and i take a leap of faith and move in with my soon-to-be-fiance/hubby/person i get to annoy till the end of time and we start our journey. i still love reading all of your blogs and may be posting when the fancy strikes me. and who knows in a few years when i have my 3 angels maybe surrogacy will be my path again. thank you all for supporting me on this crazy journey!

Friday, September 28, 2012

wtf?

after checking in and reporting aunt flo's arrival date to my ivf clinic, i received an email from them thanking me for being ever on top of things and keep checking in.

and now for the wtf? moment ...

you're probably already aware of this, but the ip's want to transfer in april

of 2013.

wtf?

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

all things surrogacy

my fellow surrosister, janae, runs an awesome and very informative surrogacy website called all things surrogacy. she has tons of info. on surrogacy, blog links, cute bracelets, and her newest arrival of surro related clothes! she took on a new task of creating short videos to educate people on being a surromomma and has a video of lots of baby bumps. these bumps are extra special because all the babies inside the bump belong to a couple that couldn't have their own personal bump. my baby sesame bump makes a debut and there are plenty more so go check it out.

real women. real surrogates. <----- that's your linkie :)

Sunday, September 2, 2012

hurry up and wait ... again

so here i am, waiting again. i signed my legal retainer and compensation package 2 weeks ago. just waiting for the egg donor to finish her legal so i can proceed with mine.


*insert thumb twiddling here*

on a more interesting note i {finally} met a fellow surro who lives close by! i have been the only group member this far south and it's been kinda lonely. we only live about 10-15 minutes away from each other and met up for lunch this past week. it's kinda nice to chat surro with a fellow surrosister! we have a big meet-up 10.6 with about 12 fellow surro's coming to have lunch, compare bellies, and have a good time getting to know each other!

so i'll go back to my thumb twiddling and waiting and talk to y'all soon. oh i made my first sockbun today and i am now addicted! i pink puffy heart pinterest!

Thursday, August 23, 2012

medically cleared people! one more step in the right direction! the donor is doing her legal right now then it's my turn. so a sept. or oct. transfer?

i transferred oct. 4th with baby sesame and thought what if i transferred around the same time and had both my surrobabies on the same day? i wonder what the odds are?

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

i had my first monitoring appointment last week. i had to drive up to irvine again and had some bloodwork, a saline sono, and met with the r.e. the entire app't. took 3 hours! and most of the time i was waiting! my saline sono was perfect and the bloodwork takes a few days to get back.. the r.e. cleared me and said i could have local monitoring here in san diego. yippee!!! that just means i have to drive up for the actual embryo transfer and everything else can be done at the clinic i've used before. we don't have dates, but i got my benefits package and other paperwork to sign and return, so we're moving forward. i am hoping for an early october transfer which would give me a guess date (i don't like the term due date) of late june. right around when baby sesame was born! :) so that's it for now. i am enjoying reading everyone else's blog and a few fellow surro sisters just delivered!

on a nsr (nonsurrogacy related) note, i have changed my e-mail address, but in order to not lose the pervious pictures on here i have to keep my old e-mail open. very annoying! i have been thinking of buying the web address, but i like blogger so i'm not sure what i'll end up doing. any suggestions?

Friday, July 27, 2012

to match or not to match

have i or haven't i?

a little story first. it's a little weird (to say the least) to meet perfect strangers and convince them you want to carry their baby in a very non-creepy way. my mom went with me on my "date" for support and so we could ride in the carpool lane to and from san diego. WHAT? the 5 and the 405 are a nightmare! so my mom and i drove up and met with the potential ip's and i must say, they were so sweet and i liked them right away. we chatted for about 30 minutes and went our separate ways.

here comes that pesky waiting game again!

i e-mailed my coordinator this morning and she said the family was meeting with her today to let them know their decision.

and it's a MATCH!!!

i've already received a call from the ivf clinic and have my first appt. in 1 1/2 weeks. i'm not thrilled about driving 200 miles round trip, but i hear of surro's driving much further to get to their various appt's. i am so excited to have found a new set of ip's and *fingers crossed* for an awesome journey!

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

to infinity ... and beyond!

well really just to irvine and back ...

Thursday, July 19, 2012

the waaaaaiting is the hardest part ...

so much of surrogacy is hurry up and wait! then when all the pieces finally fall into place, it's like a rollercoaster ride. there are still some twists and turns (medication changes, scheduling all those appointments to fit in with your normal day to day stuff) and your tummy most definitely does some crazy somersaults when your transfer is approaching and your on your 2ww.

so what happens in the downtime? well you wait. and you wait. and you wait some more. which is where i am today. waiting. some days patiently and most days not. see i have a deadline. now i'm going to be 33 this year. a nice odd number to most, but to me i see myself heading into the darkness of infertility. now i didn't have any problem getting pregnant with baby boo, baby sesame, or baby cherries. it's just drilled into a ladies head that after 35 your fertility goes down the shitter. now if you would have asked me 5 years, 3 years, or even 13 months ago if i ever planned on having more children, the answer would have been a very large HELL NO!!! i even had my tubal ligation papers sign, sealed, and in the hands of the nursing staff at kaiser. i was npo (nothing by mouth) twice anticipating the surgery ending my fertility willingly. hence why surrogacy so appealed to me. be pregnant (love it), give birth (love it more), and give that baby to her parents (the best part)!!! no 3am feedings. no having to give up vegas trips with the girls. no babydaddy to fight with. well enter mr. b. he swept me off my feet while i wasn't looking and now i cannot wait to have his babies! did you see that - b.a.b.i.e.s.!!! as in more than 1! to those of you who know me in real life this is a HUGE step for me. and of course i wanna marry the boy before i pop his kiddos out. so back to my deadline. 33 years old. i really feel like i want to do 1 more surrogacy. maybe because how badly baby sesame's ended. maybe because the baby cherries m/c broke my heart. to me i haven't fully completed the "surrogacy circle." so i need to be pregnant by december 31, 2012 because after that i want to get married and have my own 2 sweet babes (girls btw if you're reading this mr. b).

turns out patiently waiting has (finally) gotten me somewhere! i am driving up to irvine to meet with a potential im at her ivf clinic on wednesday. i'm a little nervous that we won't be a match as my deadline looms in the not-so-distant future, but most importantly i am putting this meeting into bigger hands. so wish me luck and good juju and *fingers crossed* this will be a match. :)

Thursday, June 21, 2012

happy 1st birthday!!!

my sweet surroprincess turns 1 years old today! where has the time gone?!? i feel like just yesterday she was kicking around in my belly and her parents were anxiously awaiting her arrival. if you'd like to read her birth story you can jump back to it.

time has marched on and i still haven't seen or heard from reagan's parents. the way that they cut me out was extremely harsh and i question how a grown woman could have been so heartless. i woke up a few times early this morning and hit 4:18 am with a happy memory. she was so content when she was born. wide eyes and a beautiful little face. i think about her often and the milestones she's hitting - getting teeth, sitting up, crawling, and maybe even walking. i wish i could hug her little body, kiss her pudgy cheeks, and wish her a happy birthday today.


reagan and i meeting for the first time. 6.21.11

Monday, June 11, 2012

doot doot DOO!!!

my beta is finally NEGATIVE (well it has been for a couple of weeks now) and i finally feel back to normal. aunt flo made her visit and she was a doozy! now that's that all under my belt i am finally ready to move forward. i am debating switching agencies since mine isn't really doing anything and i haven't heard from them in a while.

we have a trip to florida coming up and i am looking forward to relaxing on the beach and spending time with my boo. bon voyage!

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

not my match

as the title of this post says a mouthful, i am looking for another set of ip's. the couple decided to give their former surro another shot which bumps me back onto the "dating website." :) i am disappointed and left feeling a little rejected (much like after what you think was a great first date and then he never calls you back!), but good things come to those who wait and i know my perfect family is out there.

in other news, my beta hcg is S.T.I.L.L. positive!!! it's holding steady at 8. 8, 8, 8 is not great (i just sung that in my head). so chin up and on to bigger and better!

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

first dates are nerve wrecking!

and by first dates i mean a skype date with a new set of prospective ip's. once again they live abroad, but on the plus side they speak english so no translator necessary! we skyped with my coordinator from the agency and for some reason the video part of the chat wasn't working. it was nice to chat with a total stranger, but it would have been super nice to have seen her! on paper we make a good match, but things can always be different when you "meet" the person. we'll skype again (hopefully with the updated version and video!) wednesday evening.

after another trip to the ivf clinic and my bazillionth blood draw, i am STILL legally pregnant! my beta is down to 10 (horray!), but less than 5 is considered negative. i am still also anticipating, looking forward to, waiting for aunt flo to make her appearance. then we can move this process along. if this is the family for me we kinda have to start back at square one meaning psych testing, contracts and lawyers, and meds. they have frozen embryos up in l.a. so i'll be making a few trips up north. so cross your fingers and legs, whisper a prayer, send some good ju-ju, and/or dance naked under the full moon that i find my perfect match and we can get a family growing again!

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

uterus for rent!

are you looking for a womb with a view? o.k. cheesy i know, but i am excited to get back out there and officially have my uterus up for rent again. i am still pregnant by default and i have another (and hopefully last) blood draw this friday. last journey and i wanna go out with a BANG!!!

i've been doing much better emotionally and physically. still waiting for aunt flo to visit, but life is moving forward. my boy and i are going to arizona for the weekend and i am so excited to get away just him and i!

so until the "for rent" sign is taken outta the window - laters, baby.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

journey #2

journey #2 started out very easily. i signed up with 2 agencies and the one that processed my paperwork the quickest won my uterus! i met with a family (or rather a family friend) and didn't jive with them. another family was interested and after a chat on the phone and some negotiations, we had tentative dates! my uterus came in 2nd after the egg donor did her thing first.

february 15th came around and there i was back on the table with the same doctor that made me a surromomma the first time. 2 beautiful little girls were places into my care and 2 weeks later (and after cheating by poas) i was prego! and i was really prego with possible multiples. i was terrified. i had to wait 2 lllooonnnggg weeks to wait for my u/s to see how many ladies were in there.

all the while i was e-mailing my im and she had been so sweet. they had used 2 surro's in the past with 3 miscarriages and i really wanted to be their miracle surro.

i started bleeding a week after the transfer. a quick u/s showed a subchorionic hematoma. they are quite common in ivf and no one really knows why. we only saw 1 sac and i blew a huge sign of relief. a week after that my official u/s showed identical twins!!! i was so scared that i sat on the table and cried with my mom sitting next to me. during that week i slowly got used to the idea that there were 2 in there and that there was a small chance that something may happen.

7w4d u/s showed no heartbeats on my baby cherries. i was devastated. after much consoling from the doctor and much reassurance that i did nothing to cause this, i was scheduled for a d&c. the surgery itself wasn't horrible and recovery has been pretty mild. some bleeding and lots of cramping. i am just devastated for my ip's and feel like a failure. the fetal tissue was sent for genetic testing, but since it was also done on the embryo's we don't expect to hear anything abnormal. my only consolation is that in a few identical twin cases blood flow and blood vessels get crossed and aren't compatible with life.

He gives and He takes away.

so where do i stand now? i haven't decided that yet and by no means do i have to in the next 5 minutes. i definitely don't want to have to repeat this process again, so i have a lot to think about in the next few weeks. in the mean time, i am enjoying following my fellow surromomma's journeys and that's good enough for me right now!

thank you all for your kind words, prayers, and encouragement during this hard time. xo

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

it is with a heavy heart and great sadness that i have to post this. the twins had no heartbeats today.

so let me back up a little. last week at my official u/s i found out the baby was actually identical twins! i was beyond shocked, but it did account for why my beta was so high. i had been having terrible morning sickness at night (and even for the past week)and my next u/s was scheduled for today. the little ladies appeared the same size as last week and neither had a heartbeat today. to verbalize how i feel is near impossible. honestly i feel like a failure. the clinic told me over and over that i did nothing wrong, but naturally i don't feel that way. the cherries were being nourished by me and growing inside of my belly.

i have a d & c scheduled for friday and i have no idea what my future holds. please be in prayer for a quick procedure and healing for my ip's and myself.

Monday, March 19, 2012

so i know you've all been patiently waiting for

THE BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!

well you have to wait till wednesday.

i have another big announcement for today! my agency so graciously sent me an iPad!

i was so shocked when i got the e-mail this morning and it even came a day early! so now i wanna hear about the apps i can't live without!!!

Thursday, March 1, 2012

beta #2

my second beta was 2764!!!

so far we have a happy baby growing in there! ultrasound will be in 2 weeks to see *gulp* how many and a little fluttery heartbeat.

i have to say that sharing this journey with my previous ip's being so close and involved was nothing short of magical. to see their faces light up every time we saw baby sesame or heard her heartbeat made the whole journey even more rewarding. i feel bad that my ip's live so far away and are unable to enjoy this part of their journey, but i have a fantabulous support system willing to be at every doctor's app't. and check-up with me.

next time i'll have pictures of baby cherry (as we like to call it around here)! and i already know the sex of the baby as the parents wanted a specific gender, but i think i'll let y'all wait a while before i spill those beans! C:

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

the moment we've (i've) been waiting for ...

it's officially official!

I AM PREGNANT!!!

i've been poas since day 3 (totally too early and negative just fyi) and started getting a faint positive on 4dp6dt (4 days post transfer/6 day transfer). the tests got progressively darker as the days went on. see!?!



so i had my blood drawn for my beta hcg level and it was a whopping 1125!!! so what exactly does that mean? well it means i'm really pregnant and my fingers are extra crossed that there's only 1 in there! tomorrow is my repeat beta and u/s will be in the next few weeks.

so once again i'm cooking up some baby deliciousness!

Saturday, February 25, 2012

hurry up and wait

that seems to be a phrase all us surro's are familiar with.

hurry up and wait!

sign up with an agency. fill-out your profile.

hurry up and wait!

interview a few couples or if you're incredibly lucky, find your match the 1st time. blood tests galore. appointments till you can't remember not being at your ivf clinic. start meds. transfer. and the biggest one of all ...

hurry up and WAIT!!!

almost 2 weeks to find out that magical number called a beta hcg. it's the beautiful numerical value that says if you are pregnant or not and generally they can tell how many beans are growing inside that magical uterus of yours.

so here i am. sitting and waiting. monday cannot come soon enough. to be honest i've been poas since 4dp6dt. i am a paos-aholic (if there is such a thing)! C: so have a great weekend and i'll see ya'll on monday with some news!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

transfer complete!

so now i'm resting. and studying like a mad woman for my anatomy class! the transfer went well. my mom went with me and was totally fascinated by the whole process. she asked tons of questions and even got her own u/s pic. of the white puff of embryos being put in. my beta is scheduled in a week and a half and i'm anxious and praying for ONE healthy baby. till then ...

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

i'm on deck (and i can smell baseball season)

last monitoring app't. today. woohoo! my lining is a nice fluffy 9mm (it is mm right?) and i am up next! the egg donor will have her retrieval tomorrow and i'm crossing my fingers they get a good amount of eggs. my transfer is now set for wed., 2.15! we'll do a 6 day transfer and my ivf clinic has implemented a new procedure that has a 84% successful pregnancy rate! pretty darn good if you ask me! so now we add a whole new round of meds. - progesterone, an antibiotic, prednisone, and the dreaded progesterone in oil.

***dun dun dun!!!***

my shots are going to increase to once a day starting tomorrow and my booty is already cringing. i have a few friends and family members willing to poke me and i am gonna teach my boyfriend how to do it as well.

and on a personal note - for the first time ever i bought season tickets to 21 games for the padres. i am totally excited! we got great seats and i love going to the games. for those of you that actually know me i (continue) to say that i don't actually LIVE in san diego. i maintain that i am just VISITING. ha! it's the biggest load of crap ever,but i do miss my hometown. well come baseball season i promised my boy that i'd stop referring to l.a. as my "home" and admit that i actually, really, physically, mentally, and totally L.I.V.E. in san diego. there you go babe. black and white. just for you. love you!!!

Thursday, January 26, 2012

preparing your body to carry a faux baby is pure punishment.

first we start with (and continue for a while) multiple ultrasounds which are done to monitor your lining and make sure you don't ovulate. and i'm not referring to the nice on the tummy ultrasound. oh no! i'm referring to the weenie wand all up inside your ladyparts kinda ultrasound. not that it's painful or anything, but it's not the most pleasant when the md moves that thing alllllll the way to the left to see how pretty your ovary is! add in blood draws to monitor your hormone levels and i call myself the human pincushion! C:

well that doesn't sound so bad you say. ok. how about swallowing down horse pills and like 2-3 of them. all right, only the prenatal pill could choke an elephant, but add a baby aspirin and some progesterone and if you have a fear of choking on pills i guarantee this will feed right into that fear!

ultrasounds, pills, blood draws! that's all you got? not by a long shot my friends! bring on the lupron! small tiny insulin needle in your belly. more like a bee sting pain than anything else. i usually numb the area with some ice and am good to go.

so by now you may be thinking i could live with all of that. well let's throw in some big momma shots! i'm talking estrogen and progesterone - in oil. now for those of you unfamiliar with surrogacy "in oil" doesn't mean anything to you. allow me to explain. "in oil" means that the medicine is in the thickest, gooiest, knarliest looking liquid you've ever seen! it takes a HUGE needle to draw to draw it up and a smaller one to inject it. which means it takes a few seconds to get all the yummy goodness into your heiny.

a few shots in the butt? come on! how about a few shots for 12+ weeks people! today i started the estrogen shots. they are thick but definitely not as nasty as the progesterone. these shots are only twice a week for the next 3 weeks until the transfer. then bring on the progesterone! everyday for the whole 1st trimester! now why would a healthy woman who can carry her own pregnancies require such torture? well when you get prego the old fashioned way you release an egg that leaves a corpus luteum that naturally releases the above mentioned hormones that help sustain a pregnancy. no ovulation, no hormones. (i wish i could just drink the stuff!)

so 12 weeks in and now that my head is outta the toilet i begin to feel great! i actually love being pregnant. some people find that fact weird, but honestly i am calm and nice and love feeling that human being wiggle around in there. i even love giving birth! i love it so much i did it sans pain medicine last time and will never again in my childbearing/birthing life have an ounce of pain medicine (so says i now)! so the baby's born and handed over to her parents and most people think we surro's become sad. actually it's quite the opposite. i am so overjoyed at seeing a family completed that it makes the previous 11 months of pure punishment worth every needle stick, ultrasound, big shot in the a$$, contraction, and nauseous moment focus into the best job i've had the privilege to complete.

Monday, January 16, 2012

i had my first monitoring appointment today and, as expected, all is quiet.

*for those of you unaware of this process, we surros have a few monitoring appt's. that check to make sure our ovaries have no eggs ready to ovulate before they start cycling us.*

i picked up my meds. and start the lupron injections tonight.



*lupron is a antiovulation med. and is given with a tiny insulin needle in the subcutaneous parts of your skin. i prefer the tummy.*

these shots are pretty much painless and i give them to myself. my next app't. will be on the 26th and then i'll start the big girl injections! those i have to enlist the help of family and friends to give to me.

my transfer is scheduled for a month from today (or tomorrow)! getting excited!!!