Sunday, July 3, 2011

struggling

i have really been struggling the past few days.
struggling physically to feel back to 100%.
struggling in my relationship with my daughter.
fighting a seemingly never gonna end battle to stop my milk flow.
struggling with the right words.
but really struggling emotionally.
i carried a baby for 274 days.
i carried this baby with no intention of being her mother.
i birthed this baby and gave her joyfully to her parents who struggled for years to have her.
i saw, firsthand, the bonding process start between mother and daughter.
i held this little girl eager to gaze into the eyes of the girl who kept me up night after night.
i am not her mother, nor do i want to be.
i want to stand at a distance and watch her grow up.
struggling.
i received an e-mail ending my contact with this baby.
struggling.
i spent the day completely in shock and crying.
all of my postpartum emotions running wild ruling the rest of me.
i hadn't been prepared for this.
i didn't get to say goodbye.
and now i am struggling.
to understand.
to accept.
to move on.

*i wrote this on 7.1.11. i thought i'd never get over the pain. i reached out to friends and people i don't even know and the outpouring of prayer and support was overwhelming. as you may or may not know i have a deep relationship with God. i gave Him all my hurt, all my tears and all my anger and He now carries those burdens that were mine. it still stings a bit to know i may never see a picture of the beautiful gift i carried, but He will get me through.*

6 comments:

Krystal said...

Oh I'm so sorry! :( That can't be easy, I can't even imagine, but I hope with each day that passes it will get better.

one faux mommy said...

thank you krystal. it is still a hard pill to swallow, but the support i've gotten has really helped.

Ashley said...

This sounds very sad and I am soooo sorry. I don't know exactly what happened, but I am sure it was beyond your control and now you have to stay strong to get through it as best you can. I can't even imagine what you are feeling... one day at a time.

one faux mommy said...

one foot in front of the other. that's how i'm handling it ashley. thank you for your kind words. it was a total shock and i do hope in the future she will change her mind.

Michelle said...

That's so sad. ***Hugs*** I'm not sure why they would do that. One day at a time. I will be thinking about you.

one faux mommy said...

thank you michelle. it is really upsetting still. i hope one day i'll get to see her again.