i have really been struggling the past few days.
struggling physically to feel back to 100%.
struggling in my relationship with my daughter.
fighting a seemingly never gonna end battle to stop my milk flow.
struggling with the right words.
but really struggling emotionally.
i carried a baby for 274 days.
i carried this baby with no intention of being her mother.
i birthed this baby and gave her joyfully to her parents who struggled for years to have her.
i saw, firsthand, the bonding process start between mother and daughter.
i held this little girl eager to gaze into the eyes of the girl who kept me up night after night.
i am not her mother, nor do i want to be.
i want to stand at a distance and watch her grow up.
i received an e-mail ending my contact with this baby.
i spent the day completely in shock and crying.
all of my postpartum emotions running wild ruling the rest of me.
i hadn't been prepared for this.
i didn't get to say goodbye.
and now i am struggling.
to move on.
*i wrote this on 7.1.11. i thought i'd never get over the pain. i reached out to friends and people i don't even know and the outpouring of prayer and support was overwhelming. as you may or may not know i have a deep relationship with God. i gave Him all my hurt, all my tears and all my anger and He now carries those burdens that were mine. it still stings a bit to know i may never see a picture of the beautiful gift i carried, but He will get me through.*