Tuesday, July 19, 2011

time flies ...

... literally! today baby sesame is 4 weeks old. a whole month already. and this is my 2nd week back at work. and the summer is half gone. and my post baby bash in vegas is in 2 1/2 weeks. and all my baby weight is gone. and i still have good days and bad days. and my daughter knows we won't see baby sesame anytime soon. and i discovered passionfruit wine thanks to my neighbor. and life is swell.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

tree planting

so after my placenta art was completed i wanted to do something special with the placenta instead of just throwing it away. boo and i decided that we'd get a special plant or tree and bury the placenta so it would nourish our tree just like it nourished baby sesame. we researched what kind of fruit would grow best in our climate and decided on grapes.

hopefully now i don't kill the vine and we get some grapes in the spring!

i think my daughter overheard a conversation i had with my neighbor about baby sesame's parents and what happened. her dad said to me today that she told him we're never gonna see baby sesame ever again! he quickly changed the subject, but it just breaks my heart that she is so upset. not sure if i should bring it up with her or let her ask me... what would you all do and/or say or not say?

Sunday, July 10, 2011

placenta art

first i just wanna say a huge THANK YOU to everyone who has shared kind words and encouragement with me regarding my last post. it has been very hard to accept, but time heals all wounds.

now onto the art!!!

so i wanted to do something with my placenta. i had originally considered encapsulating it, but after speaking to some people realized that it could increase my milk supply (that i've been working so hard to stop). so what now? i started researching what exactly i could do with it and art struck my fancy. i had taken a picture of myself that quickly became my favorite. i decided i wanted someone to draw the photo for me and i would stamp the placenta onto my belly. my neighbor is a wonderful artist so i asked her if she'd do the painting for me. i am so happy with the results!

*due to the recent issue of prego pics showing up on a fetish website i have removed the photos*

i absolutely love, Love, LOVE the painting and it will forever remind me of baby sesame. i now plan on burying the placenta and planting a fruit tree.

i showed boo the placenta and explained what it is and how it works. she was very interested and not at all grossed out by it. she picked out an apple tree to plant as our baby sesame tree but home depot was out of them. i'll have to check back later in the week.

i start back to work tomorrow and am looking forward to getting back into my normal routine. summer has been fun! boo has daycamp mon. and fri. and this is her 2nd week of swimming lessons. she has come leaps and bounds and is a quite a good swimmer. we are going camping locally in august and then she'll go with my parents and nephew for a week camping to the places we went as a family when i was a kid. i wish i could go too, but i know they'll have fun!

hope you're all having a great summer too!

Sunday, July 3, 2011


i have really been struggling the past few days.
struggling physically to feel back to 100%.
struggling in my relationship with my daughter.
fighting a seemingly never gonna end battle to stop my milk flow.
struggling with the right words.
but really struggling emotionally.
i carried a baby for 274 days.
i carried this baby with no intention of being her mother.
i birthed this baby and gave her joyfully to her parents who struggled for years to have her.
i saw, firsthand, the bonding process start between mother and daughter.
i held this little girl eager to gaze into the eyes of the girl who kept me up night after night.
i am not her mother, nor do i want to be.
i want to stand at a distance and watch her grow up.
i received an e-mail ending my contact with this baby.
i spent the day completely in shock and crying.
all of my postpartum emotions running wild ruling the rest of me.
i hadn't been prepared for this.
i didn't get to say goodbye.
and now i am struggling.
to understand.
to accept.
to move on.

*i wrote this on 7.1.11. i thought i'd never get over the pain. i reached out to friends and people i don't even know and the outpouring of prayer and support was overwhelming. as you may or may not know i have a deep relationship with God. i gave Him all my hurt, all my tears and all my anger and He now carries those burdens that were mine. it still stings a bit to know i may never see a picture of the beautiful gift i carried, but He will get me through.*